Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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