If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
