You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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