No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
