I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
