Dude my mom stole all your condoms
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
