Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
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Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
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It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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