Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Terrible idea I love it
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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