today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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