So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
