When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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