Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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