if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
