so that wasnt chicken after all
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
