we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
