what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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