Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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