Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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