my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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