Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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