I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
