also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
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