Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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