i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
