I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
