not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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