I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
