Just mADE A PArabola og urine
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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