When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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