i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize