We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize