Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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