Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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