Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
