Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
