that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
