while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
