I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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