She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
