Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
