"it" just moved
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
