the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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