There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
