Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
