i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
