I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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