The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
