so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
