Umm I'm too high to move.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
