I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Randomize
