i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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