Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
