apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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