Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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