When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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