Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
